Fear is a powerful form of thought. It paralyzes the nerve centers, thus affecting the circulation of the blood. This, in turn, paralyzes the muscular system, so that fear affects the entire being, body, brain and nerve, physical, mental, and muscular.
Of course the way to overcome fear is to become conscious of power. What is this mysterious vital force which we call power? We do not know, but then, neither do we know what electricity is.
So Begins Lesson 19.
I must admit that I have battled fear all my life, and in December of 2017 I actually had a heart attack. There is good reason “heart attack” is used as a dramatic metaphor for fear.
Yet Fear has also served me. One good example being this computer issue I am facing.
I now have the newest computer (which still arrived before DMP deadline) configured enough to be useful, and I am loving it. But if it hadn’t been for fear I might not have had multiple backups. I had Carbonite automatically keeping an online backup of the old computer current, all 1.2 Terabytes of it. I tried restoring my files via WiFi, but cannot find a fast enough link to do it in less than several weeks. Just ordered my files on a drive via FedEx directly from Carbonite corporate. Once restored, I must return the drive. In the face of that, the fact that my portable backup drive (not stolen) failed upon restore, and the one I have at my office in Alaska is inaccessible to me here in Portland ceases to matter. As amazing as the Internet bandwidth available to us today is, FedEx is still faster for larger things. 😉 And I am sooo grateful for my technical competence and how it has grown over the years. I cannot imagine what someone new to computers would have done… other than just lose it all. As long as the thief doesn’t data-mine my old computers, I am nearly golden again on the computer side of things.
There is a difference between Fear and Prudence, but the lines in between them get very, very blurry. I guess the most obvious difference is the things that realistically could happen, and one can do something to ameliorate, versus the other things that just paralyze and steal potential.
I anticipate that sense of “True Power” becoming stronger, overwhelming the fear, and in turn giving back my time, and my health. While I’ve not been as close to death during the last few months as I was in December of 2017, but I have often wished it all to be over. Just one example was the car went over the cliff just weeks back. Bearing down on the telephone pole, I remember thinking, “oh, good, it is finally over”,. But not so… Another thing to accomplish. Replacing depression with happiness.
Would I purposely harm myself? Hell no. That is the path my father took out of this life, and it was certainly no answer for the rest of us, or him either as far as I can tell. So I swore that I would never follow his example. Yet in a way I am, because it includes this slow death I have been living because of fear. It must be changed. It IS changed.
Instead of giving up over the years, I have sought to acquire both riches and power, twins that really cannot be separated, and with them influence. I’ve always persisted, even putting the good of others first, and the betterment of society even before that. So I had part of the formula right. Yet I did not adequately insure that I kept what I had gained.
I succeeded to a point, only to have it all dissipate, time and time again, usually as a result of people I’ve done business with betraying my trust. Leaving me to rebuild from a little deeper in despair each time. I’m still digging for just how I manifest this. One factor is clearly that I don’t truly love myself, and I don’t believe anyone else truly loves me either. So I never put my own oxygen mask on first. Now I must, but how? And what other factors are there? Perhaps I was serving from a mindset of lack rather than abundance? Of being too willing to be the martyr?
As I dig ever deeper, this post by a fellow student Abel Lozano resonates with me. How many more triggers and landmines will I find? How many of those will I not recognize as such?
As a result of this intense MKE process, I anticipate a more symbiotic relationship with myself, and thus also with true power as I dig ever deeper into those things I have allowed into my mind over the years. The ones still there because I unknowingly allowing them into my subconscious as the de-facto programming, added to the childhood programming which set the stage for all this.
The positive, random acts of kindness, and many other exercises this course has assigned, especially the mutual “give more / get more” blogging and commenting practice looks to be making things better. My DMP starts manifesting at least two significant things even sooner than expected. The soonest goal, and also separately what I feel is the most important one. I pursue and do what seems indicated and suddenly I find myself in something that looks like a too familiar cycle, yet again!
I also find myself caring for and about people totally unknown to me just a very short time ago. People who are reading about my journey and cheering me on, despite their own challenges. Even offered me help. I’ve never been part of, put my heart and soul into any group that didn’t eventually betray me. So my antenna are up despite believing it is different this time. You see, I’ve believed it was different every time. Persisted in it. Only to be proved naive over and over again.
Yet this group appears to be truly open minded, doing their best to “give more, get more”, which is solid philosophy, so long as one does not trust the wrong people and include them too deeply in ones affairs. Some in this group have even offered tangible help. But I have always been the giver not the receiver, the helper not the helped. That makes me a very reluctant receiver, and I have no idea what to ask! Still too concerned about “offending”? Blue always concerned about how it might affect the relationship? Needy?
I have been digging into myself for improvement for a very long time. I was programmed young that I needed to become perfect like Jesus, rather than a perfect ME. Here in the MKE are written lessons and philosophy that resonate with the best that I have learned from many sources during that search. Even in many ways integrating and improving upon them. This is a way to become a light to the world, while also understanding that in order to give more, still within my means… my means must increase. I must be the best ME possible. That may be the shift. Not giving what I cannot afford to give as I have in the past. Being me and not worrying about who I might offend by being kindly authentic?
I finally look forward to having an end to the darkness in my life, which has persisted since my wife died of breast cancer. In a few weeks that will have been twelve years ago… approximately half as long as we were married. While she was in my life I thrived as I have at no other time. I want that close depth of partnership again. No it will not be the same, but I don’t need the same. Just some of the most important aspects. Yes it will be a new and different adventure if and when it happens, and I won’t settle for less.
Being a blue, shining for others is what I do. Time to shine for me! And then as a result attract and manifest instead of search for the intimacy, influence and recognition that I really want.
With the MKE I appear to have the means, NOW to exercise true power. And banish the every aspect of the fear. Remaining naive enough to trust.
“If you love deeply, you’re going to get hurt badly. But it’s still worth it.” – C.S. Lewis
I am Whole, Perfect, Strong, Powerful, Loving, Harmonious, and Happy.