MKE Week 19 – Power versus Fear

leaving-your-fears-insecurities-behindFear is a powerful form of thought. It paralyzes the nerve centers, thus affecting the circulation of the blood. This, in turn, paralyzes the muscular system, so that fear affects the entire being, body, brain and nerve, physical, mental, and muscular.

Of course the way to overcome fear is to become conscious of power. What is this mysterious vital force which we call power? We do not know, but then, neither do we know what electricity is.

So Begins Lesson 19.

I must admit that I have battled fear all my life, and in December of 2017 I actually had a heart attack. There is good reason “heart attack” is used as a dramatic metaphor for fear.

Yet Fear has also served me. One good example being this computer issue I am facing.

I now have the newest computer (which still arrived before DMP deadline) configured enough to be useful, and I am loving it. But if it hadn’t been for fear I might not have had multiple backups. I had Carbonite automatically keeping an online backup of the old computer current, all 1.2 Terabytes of it. I tried restoring my files via WiFi, but cannot find a fast enough link to do it in less than several weeks. Just ordered my files on a drive via FedEx directly from Carbonite corporate. Once restored, I must return the drive. In the face of that, the fact that my portable backup drive (not stolen) failed upon restore, and the one I have at my office in Alaska is inaccessible to me here in Portland ceases to matter. As amazing as the Internet bandwidth available to us today is, FedEx is still faster for larger things. 😉 And I am sooo grateful for my technical competence and how it has grown over the years. I cannot imagine what someone new to computers would have done… other than just lose it all. As long as the thief doesn’t data-mine my old computers, I am nearly golden again on the computer side of things.

There is a difference between Fear and Prudence, but the lines in between them get very, very blurry. I guess the most obvious difference is the things that realistically could happen, and one can do something to ameliorate, versus the other things that just paralyze and steal potential.

I anticipate that sense of “True Power” becoming stronger, overwhelming the fear, and in turn giving back my time, and my health. While I’ve not been as close to death during the last few months as I was in December of 2017, but I have often wished it all to be over. Just one example was the car went over the cliff just weeks back. Bearing down on the telephone pole, I remember thinking, “oh, good, it is finally over”,. But not so… Another thing to accomplish. Replacing depression with happiness.

Would I purposely harm myself? Hell no. That is the path my father took out of this life, and it was certainly no answer for the rest of us, or him either as far as I can tell. So I swore that I would never follow his example. Yet in a way I am, because it includes this slow death I have been living because of fear. It must be changed. It IS changed.

Instead of giving up over the years, I have sought to acquire both riches and power, twins that really cannot be separated, and with them influence. I’ve always persisted,  even putting the good of others first, and the betterment of society even before that. So I had part of the formula right. Yet I did not adequately insure that I kept what I had gained.

I succeeded to a point, only to have it all dissipate, time and time again, usually as a result of people I’ve done business with betraying my trust. Leaving me to rebuild from a little deeper in despair each time. I’m still digging for just how I manifest this. One factor is clearly that I don’t truly love myself, and I don’t believe anyone else truly loves me either. So I never put my own oxygen mask on first. Now I must, but how? And what other factors are there? Perhaps I was serving from a mindset of lack rather than abundance? Of being too willing to be the martyr?

As I dig ever deeper, this post by a fellow student Abel Lozano resonates with me. How many more triggers and landmines will I find? How many of those will I not recognize as such?

As a result of this intense MKE process, I anticipate a more symbiotic relationship with myself, and thus also with true power as I dig ever deeper into those things I have allowed into my mind over the years. The ones still there because I unknowingly allowing them into my subconscious as the de-facto programming, added to the childhood programming which set the stage for all this.

The positive, random acts of kindness, and many other exercises this course has assigned, especially the mutual “give more / get more” blogging and commenting practice looks to be making things better. My DMP starts manifesting at least two significant things even sooner than expected. The soonest goal, and also separately what I feel is the most important one. I pursue and do what seems indicated and suddenly I find myself in something that looks like a too familiar cycle, yet again!

I also find myself caring for and about people totally unknown to me just a very short time ago. People who are reading about my journey and cheering me on, despite their own challenges. Even offered me help. I’ve never been part of, put my heart and soul into any group that didn’t eventually betray me. So my antenna are up despite believing it is different this time. You see, I’ve believed it was different every time. Persisted in it. Only to be proved naive over and over again.

Yet this group appears to be truly open minded, doing their best to “give more, get more”, which is solid philosophy, so long as one does not trust the wrong people and include them too deeply in ones affairs. Some in this group have even offered tangible help. But I have always been the giver not the receiver, the helper not the helped. That makes me a very reluctant receiver, and I have no idea what to ask! Still too concerned about “offending”? Blue always concerned about how it might affect the relationship? Needy?

I have been digging into myself for improvement for a very long time. I was programmed young that I needed to become perfect like Jesus, rather than a perfect ME. Here in the MKE are written lessons and philosophy that resonate with the best that I have learned from many sources during that search. Even in many ways integrating and improving upon them. This is a way to become a light to the world, while also understanding that in order to give more, still within my means… my means must increase. I must be the best ME possible. That may be the shift. Not giving what I cannot afford to give as I have in the past. Being me and not worrying about who I might offend by being kindly authentic?

I finally look forward to having an end to the darkness in my life, which has persisted since my wife died of breast cancer. In a few weeks that will have been twelve years ago… approximately half as long as we were married. While she was in my life I thrived as I have at no other time. I want that close depth of partnership again. No it will not be the same, but I don’t need the same. Just some of the most important aspects. Yes it will be a new and different adventure if and when it happens, and I won’t settle for less.

Being a blue, shining for others is what I do. Time to shine for me! And then as a result attract and manifest instead of search for the intimacy, influence and recognition that I really want.

With the MKE I appear to have the means, NOW to exercise true power. And banish the every aspect of the fear. Remaining naive enough to trust.

“If you love deeply, you’re going to get hurt badly. But it’s still worth it.” – C.S. Lewis

I am Whole, Perfect, Strong, Powerful, Loving, Harmonious, and Happy.

11 comments

  1. Wow Marcel – I’m amazed at your story. And inspired by your willingness to continue. You have to love yourself much to want to continue. And it’s a false belief that no one loves you. But you know all that already. Fear is not real. It’s a mind conditioning only. When my energy vibration is low sometimes I go into fear. I become the observer and ask myself how real is this fear. I know it’s just a thought based on previous mind conditioning. And then I say – I am safe and protected, always in all ways.
    You can be proud of your achievements.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. Very encouraging. And yes, I’ve been thinking and saying such things. Some pretty tough conditioning to overcome…. As a child, our family owned cheap land which then seemed way outside Anchorage, in the boonies. Now it is in the middle of the finest neigborhoods, with multi-milllion dollar homes. After my father went nuts, and landed in a psychiatric ward, it was all my mother could to take us (myself and two younger brothers) to live in a tent there, through the better part of an Alaska winter. There were a few periods where we had no food for days in a row, and no matter how much wood we cut and stoked the stove there really was no way to make the tent warm. Finally my mother managed to sell off the land at a substantial discount to what we had in it, and obtained public assistance to move us into low income housing next to the graveyard when she and my father now reside. Nothing I’ve endured since has been harder, so forward must be better. My fear is no greater than I have already experienced…. and somehow survived. But that is the old blueprint which has kept repeating ever since. I look forward to the new blueprint, taking hold!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I don’t know… then I find another little thing, and another…. got it all now, whoops, no I didn’t, and around hte merry-go-round we go. Perhaps it is progress that it is often marrier than the last time?

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow Marcel while reading your blog I felt as though I was looking into the mirror of my soul.
    We have more in common than I ever imagined from being close to death, the loss of a computer and the struggle to regain the data, and most importantly the loss of a spouse. It’ll be 9 years on the 23rd of this month that my beloved George died in front of me with a heart attack. I feel your pain and I honor your strength and dignity

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Marcel, its takes courage to let others see you inspite of your fear of trusting others. I felt your story, it resembles mine, especially with trust and betrayal and wanting and ready for love to come back in my life. You may not feel it but you already took a step into the unknown and fear is our familiar. You seem to be choicing unknown and an glad that you are.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s